this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize