Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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