Who wears a wallet chain?!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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