He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
