Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
