Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
