Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Randomize
