Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
