I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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