just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
