Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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