Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
