I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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