Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
