I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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