he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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