I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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