me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
