I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
