my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Is this like a preordered booty call?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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