so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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