Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
