I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
