I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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