I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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