i think my tv is drunk
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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