I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
