i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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