I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
