Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
