Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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