Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We left an ass print on the piano.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
