the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
It was confusing and full of hummus
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
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