I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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