"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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