Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
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