I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
