Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize