ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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