I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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