How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
