this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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