I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
