mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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