There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
