idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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