She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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