It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
