Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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