Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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