I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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