does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
