Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
