I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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