you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
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