why didn't you poke me back
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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